For my Mother on Mother's Day
This is the start of my story...
Christine stood outside the Los Angeles County Memorial Hospital, cigarette in hand, imagining how life was going to change now that she was a new mother. It was Monday, February 15, 1971, the morning after she gave birth to her son Jereme. The young nineteen-year-old smiled to herself, finished her cigarette, and walked back into the building. The fears she had of the future were completely curtailed by the happiness she felt inside. She finally had her very own little baby boy. He was her Valentine, that would love her forever.
Her Aunt Janet and her cousin Teresa were waiting for her upstairs. They had been by her side the night and morning she was in labor, and were there with tears of joy as she finally delivered early yesterday afternoon. They were the only friends or family she had with her in California. They would be her only visitors that day, or any other day for that matter. This morning they had arrived with a big balloon and some flowers that were just beautiful. Christine had called her younger sister Suzan last night and told her the good news. Her sister cried on the phone, wishing she could be there with her. Her mother Lois, finally called her Aunt Janet that morning and said she was glad that Christine was feeling good, that everything went smoothly, and it was finally over.
She exited the elevator and walked down the long hallway toward her room. The maternity floor was a busy place today. She could here other mothers crying out in pain, as they were going through the agonizing process of delivery. Nurses walked about, an orderly pushing a cart full of supplies rushed past her, and the intercom was paging a certain doctor to the neonatal unit. But Christine didn't see or here any of it. She stopped at the observation window, and scanned the little blue name signs along the sides of the cribs, looking for her baby. She didn't see him. Then she spotted him way in the back. Her morning nurse was gently holding him while another was changing the gauze pad around his damaged eye. Tears welled up, and her heart ached as she watched. As the nurse quickly worked, his little legs twitched and his arms stuck straight out trying to grasp onto something, anything.
Christine felt an arm go around her back, and give her a little hug. It was the same arm that had comforted and loved her these last six months. Together they watched as the nurses finished up, softly folded a blanket around him, and placed him back in his crib to sleep.
"The nurse you have this morning, isn't she just wonderful?"
"Yes, she is," Christine answered softly, wiping her eyes. "She was one of the nurses during delivery. I think her name is Karen." They watched the nurse, as she placed a loving hand on Jereme's little body, and bowed her head just a little. They never saw the dainty gold cross and chain around the nurse's neck that gently bumped on Jereme's chest as she bent down and kissed his tiny forehead, whispering a short prayer under her breath. Christine and her aunt Janet watched as the nurse stood back up, wiped a tear from her eye, and stepped away, heading back out into the busy hallway to tend to some other patients.
"I thought she looked a little familiar. What a sweet heart. Well, we're going out to get some lunch, sweetie. I have to run to the post office, and make a few calls, back at the house. We'll be back either later this afternoon, or this evening." They hugged each other.
"Thanks for everything." Christine held back her flooding emotions. There were so many, she was having a hard time keeping them sorted out.
"You'll be just fine. See you tonight." Her aunt gave her a little kiss on the cheek, turned around and headed off. "Get some rest," she whispered, as she left. Christine turned her attention away from her precious aunt and onto to her little child. She stood there gazing as she thought about her life. Just five years ago the doctors told her that the reason she had never had a period was that her body wasn't ovulating. They said there was nothing they could do, that more than likely she would never have a period, and therefore there was no way she could ever have any children. She was absolutely crushed. Ever since she was a little girl, she wanted to be a mommy. When she did get pregnant, it was devastating news to her mother and father. They were still in shock from the very recent death of Christine's older sister Kathy. It was more than they could take. They told her she was unmarried and had to get an abortion. There were no other options. Tom, her baby's father, wouldn't even acknowledge the baby was his. But in Christine's mind, this baby was a miracle. She wasn't going to let anyone take it from her. So instead, she decided to run away.
My Mother - Christine Ann Ettinger
My mother is a difficult person to describe. No one has had more of an impact on me in both a negative way, but mostly a positive way.
My mother was married four times.
The first man was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He became a Christian when I was a couple years old. My mom would toss his Bible out the window of the upper story apt. we lived in after he left for work each day.
The second was a cross dresser and extremely violent, once leaving her in the hospital.
The third was an alcoholic, and had spent time in prison. While in prison he got in a fight with someone and killed the man. One morning after a break-up with him she went outside her apt. to find him passed out in the drivers seat of his car with a shotgun pointed at the door of her apt. waiting for her to come out.
The fourth one was manically depressed.
From a baby to a toddler I saw many sexual things that were not good for me to see. When I was old enough to draw little pictures, I would draw pictures of people having sex. I was severely beaten many times. So badly that I still feel the effects of it today.
In 1988 I had a very emotional and spiritual experience in Billings, MT where I prayed with my youth pastor, that I could forgive both my parents, but mostly my mother. It was one of the most important yet incrediblaly difficult experiences in my life. Something lifted off of me that day, and I have never been the same since.
My mother was very poor, but incredibly well educated.
She had her elementary education teaching degree, librarian, legal secretary license, and finished up at Oral Roberts University with two separated Masters degrees. She was recently working on her doctorate degree, while working as a crisis therapist in Arizona.
My mother made a lot of bad financial decisions as I was growing up, and really throughout her entire life, which caused her to hurt a lot of people in my immediate and extend family. After 1988, when I was a junior in H.S., and had fully committed my life to serving the Lord, I made it a point, after each incident with my mother, not to have any unforgiveness in my heart toward her ever, and God placed a special love for her in my heart.
My mother never intended to steal from me, but she did.
In 1989 my mother stole from me a total of $1,300 cash, in three separate instances in the period of a month. It was then that I moved out of the house, and never lived with her again.
In 1990 my mother stole the proceeds from a student loan check I had received to pay for school. Soon after, I quit school.
In 1992 my mother used my brother's, two sister's, and my social security numbers and charged money. Along with them, I was forced to repay over $2,000 for things that she bought with my SS#.
But my mother was also very loving. One cold winter morning, when I was 17 I asked if I could take her car to school. We only had one car, and I don't recall the reason, but it would have worked out for me better if I could drive that day. She said yes. She stood on the freezing cold windy corner that morning and waited for the city bus, to take her to work, so I could use her car.
She always did whatever she could to say yes to as many things we requested as kids.
Many times to get money she would donate blood or plasma.
She slept on the couch in our little house in Duluth from the time I was 14 until I moved out when I was 18, so we could all have our own rooms.
When I was 17, she let a friend of mine live with us for a year so he could finish his last year of vocational school, while his parents moved to Texas.
We always had friends over, sleeping over, and staying up all night.
In spite of all the negative things that happened over the years, we had a lot of good memories, and fun times with my mom. She was just one of us kids.
There is no doubt in my mind that she loved all us kids very much. There was never any doubt about that. She just made some very hurtful, bad decisions.
(On my birthday, February 14, 1995 - Typed from the original hand written letter)
To My Very Precious Son, Jereme Marcus,
I wish you knew how much I love you, how much I miss you, and how much I admire and respect you. Jereme, you are a true Christian. You are the only man I have ever respected in my 43, almost 44 years of life. You have been a total blessing to me.
Looking back over the years of your life, there are a few memories that are painful to me because they were painful to you. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and change them. I sincerely hope that you have forgiven me for my weaknesses. Thinking about those times hurts too much, so I try not to think about them. But when I do I imagine myself doing them over, telling you I love you and how sorry I am and hugging your sweet little boy body and kissing your soft little boy cheeks until you are no longer hurting or afraid. Please do this yourself and imagine what I imagine and maybe the memories won't be so painful.
I can't believe that you are 24 years old. It's amazing how fast time goes by. When you were born I loved you immediately. I needed you and I knew you need me, too. They took you away from me for a couple of days because you were a little yellow. I cried and cried. I couldn't stand being away from you even for a little while. I thought you were a miracle. When I slept you were always next to me. We were always together, always!
Jereme, I'll never be perfect, or even close, but I'll always wish we could be together and I'll always love you with all of my heart. You were my first love and it is very hard to be away from you. Hopefully, we will all be together again soon so we can share some more wonderful times together and make more happy memories.
Please know how much I miss you, Jereme. I think of you every day of my life. We should all start praying that the Lord will work out a plan for us to all live in the same area again.
I love you, honey. Please be very careful. I couldn't stand losing you.
Your mom
(Christine Ann Ettinger)
I got a call on Friday, October 11, 2002 from my mother saying she was going to come and visit me. I was very excited. I hadn't seen her in over a year. But something inside me was bothering me. I couldn't shake it. We went out to eat the first night she arrived, and I told her that we couldn't go so long without seeing each other. I told her that I had this yucky feeling inside me like I wasn't going to get to see her many more times. She just told me that it had just been a long time, and that I am going to have to fly down and see her in a few months. It'll be OK - she said. The day before she left she told me she would some day pay me back for everything she ever took from me. I told her she didn't owe me a thing. Not a single penny. Later on that day she told me she was sorry. I asked her for what? She had tears in her eyes, and she said, "I can't tell you. Just know that I am so sorry." The day she left I felt something inside me screaming to tell her goodbye. Really, tell her goodbye. I couldn't do it. I just said, "Hey we'll see ya real soon." Like it was no big deal. There was a quick hug, and that was that.
NEWS-HERALD Lake Havasu City, Arizona (Wed, October 23,2002 - Vol 37 No. 209
(FRONT PAGE)
Locals Die in Texas Wreck: by Marty Shevelove
An early morning accident on a rural Texas Highway claimed the lives of two local residents.
Christine Ann Ettinger, 51, and David Tucker, 51, employees of the Mohave Health facility in Lake Havasu City, died instantly when the 1991 Dodge they were traveling in was struck by a 2002 Freightliner tractor-trailer on U.S. Hwy 54 some five miles northeast of Stratford, Texas.
A Texas Department of Public Safety spokesperson said Ettinger apparently fell asleep at the wheel and drove off the roadway Sunday morning. "She overcorrected into the opposite lane of travel, then overcorrected again causing a side skid. The tractor-trailer then struck the Dodge on its side," the spokesperson said.
Conditions were dry and clear at the time of the 5:40 a.m. accident, the police spokesman said.
Ettinger and Tucker were traveling southwest on U.S. Hwy 54 on the way back from Minnesota where Ettinger had gone to see her children and family. The tractor trailer was traveling northeast. Its driver, XXXXXXXXX of Lathrop, MO, was not injured in the accident. Stradford is located just south of the Oklahoma-Texas border in the panhandle of Texas.
Ettinger and Tucker were pronounced dead at the scene, according to the spokesperson.
"The sudden loss is difficult to process," Bud Brown, chief operating officer of Mohave Mental Health Inc., said Tuesday. "Monday was a difficult day for all of us. At the clinic we work as a team. We will have to deal with it and work with it."
Ettinger was a Masters level therapist who worked with general mental health issues and seriously mental ill individuals, Brown said. She had been with Mohave Mental Health Inc. for just over a year. Tucker ran a day program for seriously ill clients. He was with Mohave Mental health Inc. for more than five years.
"The loss of these good and caring mental health workers is also a loss for our clients," Brown said. Ettinger is survived by her husband Randy Kuchta of Lake Havasu City, two sons, two daughters, and 11 grandchildren.
Tucker leaves a wife, Margo, a son and a daughter, all of Lake Havasu City.
Services for Ettinger will be held Thursday in Duluth, Minnesota. A memorial service for Tucker will be held at Lietz-Fraze Chapel at 4 p.m. Monday.
MOM, I wish you could see me now. I started my business. Kelee and I got married. We have two beautiful children, Macee and Ryan. You would be so proud. They are so funny. Macee looks just like you and Brittany. But most of all I wish I could take away that pain from your heart that you wrote about in my birthday letter. I wish I could go back and say goodbye for real this time, and tell you all is forgiven, and that I love you more than any words could express. And thanks for doing all you did and went through to have me. And that place you told me to pray about. I believe God's making it right now, and it looks like we are all going to make it. Thanks MOM! I love you!
